I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
