Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
