I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You took a bar mat shot.
So squirting runs in the family.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
