Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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