One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
