That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I need mimosas to revive my soul
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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