I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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