That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
