sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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