oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
