I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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