I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
