dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
