Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize