dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
