I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
