Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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