I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
