Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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