Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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