she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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