just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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