Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
