yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
