So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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