An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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