I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
