This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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