Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
