Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
