Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
