I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
