guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
