but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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