Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
