Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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