I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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