the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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