Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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