3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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