Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
