question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
