Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
