I seem to have left my pride at pride
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
