the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
