Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
