Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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