I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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