is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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