I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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