He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize