He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
