I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
