There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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