dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think my mom watched the whole time
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
