i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
