census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
babies were throwing up all over the place
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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