while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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