even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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